We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Enjoy the penises
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
