There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
