Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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