wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
