I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
