Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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