I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
