She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
