Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
