You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
