Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
