Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm passing your future prison.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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