Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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