You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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