She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
