He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
