Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
