oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
