Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize