Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
