Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
