So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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