Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
