I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just found a bag of teeth...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
