she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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