toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
