your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize