Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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