DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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