so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
