Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
