I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
A+ Viking dick
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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