Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize