This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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