she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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