Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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