i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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