____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
