I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize