i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
