Plan B is the new Plan A
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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