i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
