Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize