just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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