I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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