with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
