You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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