The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
