Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
