You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize