i think my tv is drunk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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