I can't breathe out the right side of my face
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
