I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
