Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize