Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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