Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize