3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
