I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
