If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize