i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
