i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize