So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
