I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
